Tuesday, October 27, 2009

So here I am, 6:00, few shots down, and feeling fine. Scotch, gotta love it. I think ive said it before but I never use to drink. Really, I've always been more anti drinking. I wouldnt go out with my friends and have a few beers, I wouldnt even come home and have a drink to relax. Now I do. The scotch whiskey has been the only thing thats turned me onto drinking. Ive noticed scotch gives you a differnt buzz than beer or really any other alcohol. Its calm. Its here and its now if that makes any sense. The thing I like most about it is that I actually talk to people when I drink scotch. Weather it be a phone call, or a instant message, or even on the street, i talk. Now I know this is an obvious when it comes to drinking, but im not talking about bullshit slur phone calls. Im talking about just an average "how are you". This is hard for me most the time. Im very anti social and usually dont talk to anyone other than my roomate and the few people i work with. So being able to feel comfortable saying hello to an old friend is new to me. For instance, facebook. I hated it. Why? Because you add all these differnt people considered to be friends yet you see them in public and shy away from eachother like strangers. Then about a week ago I had been drinking and decided to say hello to an old girl/friend of mine I had not talked to in years. Now usually sober I would never send a message. Some part of my sober mind would talk me out of it, critizing me for even wanting to say hello. Instead this time I did say hello. And this time I didnt worry about what they might think of me, or what I wanted to tell them. I just said what I wanted to say. What I've been meaning to say for years... Then the next day when I figured Id be regretting what I said, I didnt. Not at all. And come to find out the person I talked to was as happy as I was to reconnect again and fill eachother in on our lives. I couldnt fucking believe it. The normal sober me couldnt believe the night before I actually did it and said hello. Years overdue by the way...

The only problem is that Im starting to really like drinking. And knowing myself as well as I do, its just time before it becomes such a habbit I wont feel myself without it, like other habbits I already have. This is about the time I ask myself if I really want to go down the road Im heading. This is the fifth bottle in a week collected on my desk now, and im starting to wonder why it takes me a bottle of whiskey to be myself. Myself as in NO ANXIETY, no worrying about what everyone else thinks about what I do or say. Just being myself for once. Why does it take alcohol? I dont know, but if having a few shots means being able to talk to people again, so be it...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Scotch... who would have thought id end up drinking close to a bottle a night? Its heavy shit too. I never use to drink, just smoked pot on a everyday basis, still do. About 2-3 months ago I ran into a little rut. Im not sure what you want to call it, mood swings, depression, bad month, who the fuck knows, i just been down and out. No reason really, I just get this way every so often, and as usual i deal with it. This years way of "dealing" with it happens to be a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red. And ol' J walker's been there the whole way. I've drank 4 bottles in the past week. I come home, get depressed ( i hate the word depressed, it sounds so whiney, i would like to use the word down instead from here on out) then I go to the store and pick up a bottle. All I can think about when i get upset anymore is taking a shot and feeling the burn. The first shot I take of the night is like a much needed release. Then it leads to more shots, and more. Then I'm to the point im at now. Half bottle downed, and no worries. Its like entering a differnt world for awhile where I can get away from anything and everything that bothers me. I still get down but its not nearly as bad as when I dont drink. When im not drinking I stay in this non stop pissed off mode. Ive gone months being anti social and avoiding life itself hiding in my room, sulking in self pitty. Its bullshit. Im drunk now and I say fuck all that. Id rather be buzzed light year than mr. down and out. I usually dont post on this fucking site cause Im careful bout what i put on it like someones actually reading it. I dont think anyones seen any of my posts. So therefore I say fuck it and im saying whatever comes to me, even if it makes no sense to the rest of you assholes out there reading. Im the only one whos gonna ever look at this shit.
I like this blog truthfully. I go about every waking hour acting as if I have my shit together. Like I have no worries, and have everything under control. Acting... Acting... Behind all the smiles and chipper fake ass attitude I'm lost. I think thats why everything hits me at night. During the day I even convince myself I got it all together, and then when I get home and drop the act reality sets in. And reality is a bitch. The blog is my way of venting. I have not one sole in this world to complain to or tell about my problems so ive resorted to a fucking internet blog, lol. Oh well, guess im not the only one eh?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fuck Facebook. Thats all I have to say, thanks
This past week has been my so called "vacation". Its been nice being off work but not going anywhere fucks up the whole vacation feel of it.

I love espresso. Its hard to go back to regular drip once you get use to the good shit. Starbucks lets me down though. There espresso sucks and they don't carry Irish Creme? Wtf? The look of the place is nice, dim lights, coffee shop feeling and what not, but if the coffee sucks that doesn't mean anything. I don't like the frozen frapalatakapamocha bullshit either. I like it lip burning if possible. I'm still buzzing off my morning 20oz. I've been buying Casey's coffee every morning to save cash. I even bought the damn cup so I can get 59 cent refills. Good thing too because it takes about 3 cups for me to even twitch. This morning was my first latte in weeks. 5 dollars well spent!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Ventilation Station, how about that, my own blog. Well here goes...